A Ticking Time Bomb....

Today is a bad day. It's one of those days where I woke up and after 5 minutes of "life" wanted to lock myself into 12+ hours of silence somewhere. It builds and builds... somewhere hidden inside and then WHAM it just bursts out one day when I'm not expecting it. All of a sudden I've gone from happy, bouncy, fun and positive Mommy/Wife to miserable, crabby, mean & teary Mommy/Wife.

I have always had ups & downs....it's in my family. There are diagnostic terms, slang words, guesses, assumptions and truths to what I experience. I used to be 95% happy/bouncy/hyper and 5% sad/mopey. Then it changed and went to a constant rotation of happy, mopey, anxious. Now after I've had kids, I find myself real confused. It's a very wide range of all of them. Lately, however I'm overwhelmed and miserable way more than I used to be. I attempt to start every day with a positive attitude and most of the time it works wonderfully. We might have some ups and downs throughout the day (but let's face it, I have 2 toddlers).

But then a day like today happens. I'm left thinking to myself. What is going wrong? Why do I feel like this? Is it normal? Am I much more "depressed/anxiety ridden" than I think? My son tapping a measuring cup on his tray is enough to send me over the edge today.....when I'm the one who gave it to him last night and showed him how to make "music" with it. Days like today I feel like a failure. How can 2 boys love their Mommy when she is mean and yelling at them for things they don't understand? How can a husband envision his future with a wife who is constantly up and down? It seems like it would be easy enough to remedy right? Just tell yourself to be nice, to cheer up? Stop overreacting, just "relax" as my husband likes to say. (which is enough to put me to tears every time b/c let's face it....if I could...I WOULD!)

I was raised in a way that "what others think and see of me is important". I got over that issue and some others with the help of some therapy a few years ago.  I learned that the only person that I need to worry about is ME.  But that left me open to HUGE judgements from others, possibly more than if I still worried nonstop about what everyone else might think. Now I share my life via social media. I don't care if others want to read about my day anymore, or want to see my pictures, or if anyone cares what I made for dinner......I'm going to post it and if people don't like it they don't have to read it.  Over the past few years I've encountered numerous comments about my daily updates. Very few are actually positive. Most of them are little "digs" or vaugue ways of saying they're annoying. It irritates me, but not enought that I feel like those peoples inputs are SO important that I should stop. It's my way of remaining "out there, socializing" I think.

Since I became a stay at home mom I've changed so much. I'm such a social person that I'd talk to the mailbox if I thought it was listening. Going from working full time my whole adulthood to staying home with 1 infant and then 2 of them shortly after (neither of which are obviously able to hold conversations) I can see myself being clingy, seeking attention and being just plain overwhelming to people when I'm around them.

It's not like I am unaware of who I am, what I'm experiencing or even how annoying this is to the very small number of friends I have and my family in general.  I've never been embarrassed to admit that I struggle with anxiety, depression, and food (lol). I'll talk about those issues to anyone, if I can help out anyone experiencing those things I will. There are days that I wish I could speak publically about the range of emotions I experience. Because there has to be others feeling the SAME EXACT WAY......right?

So that brings me to today. A bad day. An overwhelming, raining, windy, cooped up with 2 whiny kids...day.  A day that I broke down on the phone to my husband at lunch telling him that I just can't do this, it's too much and I feel like I just want to sleep or go away.  ----As always, he is supportive, reassuring and loving. Reminding me that it'll get better and he loves me.... So after my pity party was over, I got myself together, grabbed this computer and started typing. I think that there may only be like 3 people in the world who actually understand me. My grandma, my father & my husband (although he probably struggles, lol).

Today is over 1/2 over, tomorrow will be better and since I started this blog I already can feel some of the weight lifting. I'd like to thank my friend Kristy who started her journey into blogging for re-inspiring me to share my thoughts. Because after reading her wonderful blog....I realized that every mom is experiencing something today.

xxxooo
Slightly (more than normal today) neurotic SAHM.

and p.s......I know these boys are a blessing from GOD, I know other mothers would give anyting to stay home, I know single women would love a husband who is supportive, etc, etc, etc.....this post isn't about being ungrateful.......it's about being an honest woman who is sometimes overwhelmed!

Much too old to be this damn young!

 1st off, I'm old. I say that more and more since I've become a mom and have grown up. Basically, that's what it boils down to though....we've grown up. I'm not actually "old" per say, we just have different priorities and views than we used to. 

We went out for dinner last night to a really nice restaurant and had a great time, the food was excellent, it's quite pricey (but we had a gift certificate so it eased that fact). My husband and I sat there and enjoyed the quiet, the atmosphere and the food. Then we left and went to a friends Birthday Party at Buddy N' Pal's in Winfield. I was super excited to see all of our friends and just have some drinks and fun! 

We walked in and the 1st thing my husband noticed was of course the stale smoke smell. We both went to the bathroom 1st and I was so shocked at how dingy, stinky and just overall "unkept" the entrance and bathrooms were. (Yes, I know this is where most of you are thinking, "um, hey idiot YOU walked into a bar") But we used to hang out there ALL the time, it was nice, it was busy & it was always clean! 

Fast forward through the fun hugs, catching up and excitement of seeing everyone and go straight to the fact that our waitress was an IMMEDIATE B*&^h. She "forgot" to bring change for 3 of the guys and one of the girls and it had to be asked for each time.....and we're not talking like $2 in change......like $16! Convenient? eh? She "forgot" to bring my drink 2x, and a couple other girls' drinks even more. She looked to be approx 23-25 or so. Major attitude. 

So then, there is a guy (obviously drunk) making an idiot of himself on the dancefloor whiile 3 of my girlfriends are dancing....Now this is where it ges a bit fuzzy for me. Not because I was drunk (b/c I definitely wasn't), but because I was talking to someone at the table and wasn't really paying attention to the dancefloor much. All of a sudden there was a group....you know the one....a bunch of guys pacing and preparing....and then WHAM, a giant fight broke out and this poor kid that was with our group (although we don't really know him well, he was harmless and definitely NOT a fighter) got buried in the bottom....so the testosterone went flying. Now this isn't the first bar fight I've ever seen, so I'm waiting for intereference from the bouncers and management.....waiting, waiting, waiting.....it never happened. Most of our group of guys were involved in pulling apart and getting socked in the faces in the meantime....Now up until now dear hubby had stayed back and at this point he jumped forward a bit and helped start just pulling people back and away. I mean if no one else was going to do it, who was going to help the people underneath? So I walked around the back and up to the bar and asked the 2 (maybe 23 year old girls) who by the way are standing there watching it WHERE THE HELL IS THE MANAGEMENT? BOUNCERS? 

The reply I got was "oh, they're in the fight somewhere" and then they giggled. YES, THEY F'N GIGGLED. I was livid. THAT WOULD HAVE NEVER HAPPENED AT BUDDY'S IN CP. ....period. So after deciding that we were going to leave, and the guy had been let back into the bar, not once, but twice to be antagonizing and start it all over again. I still had yet to see anyone besides the bar back who I'm now wondering if he was the only man working there. Now I forgot to mention that the whole bar was not even full, maybe 1/2 the tables were taken, if that. The dance floor was empty until my friends started dancing. 

So we've gathered everyone together and are ready to leave and then the police show up, flashing lights, sirens, etc.....maybe 25 minutes after the incident. YES, 25 minutes......and in walks flipping Andy Griffith......I'm not being mean, but really? You're going to send a 60 year old police officer to a BAR FIGHT? Now to be fair about 5 minutes later 3 more cops show up and they are all younger. They decide to start doing interviews?!!!! Luckily it didn't involve hubby or myself so we just sat around and talked but they called our friends in one by one to the office and apparently questioned the situation.....

I come back from the bathroom and hubby says "we've been asked to leave". I laughed out loud.....now I'm not saying that some of the guys shouldn't have stepped back or walked away but really? They're asking us (a group of 20) to leave when we are the main source of their income for the night & the main problem has already left? Well ok then, I mean we were leaving anyways, but the whole thing was SO POORLY HANDLED. Meanwhile a girlfriend has called a friend who is a County officer and explained the situation to him....all shall remain nameless, but he dropped whatever it was he was doing or patroling or whatever and proceeded to not only give her husband and her a ride to Hebron but to allow all of us to follow him to ensure we got there safely. I'm completely grateful to this unknown officer b/c let's face it, 5 cars driving to Hebron when they had been drinking at a birthday party with intent to stay there until 3am and it's only 11pm = drivers who shouldn't be driving. 

So some will read this and think, this is dumb, some will think WE'RE dumb for even being there. But I am so disappointed at the whole situation, how it was handled, how it happened, and the fact that my friends Birthday Party was ruined. So back to the fact that we're old. We don't like that stuf, it was ridiculous. And I'm so glad that neither Ron nor myself chose to drink too much (for like the 3rd time in my life, lol) either one of us would have been safe to drive home by ourselves had it been needed. I've done one giant drunken night/hungover morning with these 2 boys to take care of and said I'd never do it again. It's so not worth it when they need us.

Maybe more happened, maybe a bit different than I know or realize. - But that's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Thank you for calling Indiana Poison Services...

So I made the 1st (but I'm sure not last) phone call to Poison Control today.

See, my 2 ½ year old is in the "me me me me me me" stage. So much so that when it was time for his vitamin and I started to get it out he FREAKED OUT screaming at me, yup, you got it.... "me me me me" so I said "fine! Here ya go" - - so he stood there and turned the lid and turned and turned and turned.

Meanwhile, my 1 year old (who is in the "I'm holding my arms up and you had better pick me up before I meltdown stage" was pulling on me and needed something...

3 minutes (approximately), passed and I heard it. The shake of the container and then silence........ I flew around the corner where he has walked and this is what I see.............

Naked from the waist down, totally relaxed back on the couch eating the multi-vitamins like candy, watching Max & FREAKING Ruby. So I grab the bottle, yell "No! Only One!" then I stupidly ask him "how many did you have? How many did you eat?"  the reply? "two, four, two" (dumbest Mom in the world award for me today....)

So I call my mom (for the 4th time today) knowing they're cringing as the phone rings and probably throwing the handset at each other saying "No! You get it!" and I ask the question of how many do you think he should have consumed before I need to worry?..... My mom asks a few questions, reassures me that he is most likely just fine because I'm guessing that he possibly had 5-6 in that short time. We hang up, and I do a little research online finding the HORROR stories about iron poisoning & then I call my Sister-in-Law who also lives across the street and she says, "just call Poison Control for peace of mind" so I did.

They were so nice! Asked his weight, reassured me that even if he consumed 10 we wouldn't have had to worry. Explained that the gummy vitamins don't have iron and they have gotten calls where kids have eaten 40+ of those!

So of course I felt relieved, and then she says "just so you know the lids are" CHILD RESISTANT, not CHILD PROOF" and as I chuckle and say, yes I see. She asks if I'd like to have a toddler poison brochure mailed out to me?

Lmao! As if! What am I a naive first time mom?..... Oh, wait.

So I said "yes, please"

Where is my brain? ...No really, where is it?

So on a super fun family trip to Walmart yesterday I had the ultimate "She has finally lost her mind" experience......So let me start at the beginning.

I get anxiety about going to the store by myself with the kids (not actual chest tightening, sweat producing, shit yourself anxiety) but I dread it, I avoid it if I can....We're at the point where one has to sit in the actual cart and the other sits in the child seat/carrier thing that always has broken seat belts. So as I shop, things pile up around my 2 year old, then he's sitting on the stuff, then he's crushing the stuff, then he's eating through the packages of hot dogs and mushrooms (true story), then he's throwing taco seasoning packets out of the cart (also true) as I do my best to marathon speed myself through the store, all the while forgetting everything I went there for and can't get my "to-do" list out of my purse b/c it's now buried beneath him & my groceries. So instead of stopping, moving over and attempting to find the list I just say F$%^ it and leave because I'm about to have a nervous breakdown as my 1 year old eats the handle I'm using to push, eats the above mentioned broken seat belt and leans himself out of the cart sideways in a futile attempt to decapitate himself on a passing cart.

So for the past 3-4 months I've managed to convince my husband to come with me to the store....2 carts, 2 children, 2 adults.  Much easier, much faster, and the boys are entertained right?? ummm kind of.....my husband is rolling up and down the isles making loud racing sounds that have originated from NASCAR, farting and yelling out my name as if I just did it, handing the boys bags of candy or cookies and pretending they've chosen them off the shelves among many other things.  So while this is super annoying, it really is helpful most of the time because the boys really are entertained and I have the room in the carts that I need. So on one of these whole family outings yesterday, the store was ridiculously packed! This is NO exaggeration, some of the isles my husband stayed at the beginning of it and just met us at the next one b/c there were so many people in them!

I got everything on my lists except sandwich wraps.....I was looking for a low calorie wrap of some sort that was not just a taco shell.  So while in the Deli, I looked at their offering...eh, not what I wanted. Not in the taco shell isle, not by the bread.  So I turn to my husband and I say, "Just forget it, let's get out of here" and he replies, "we're here, let's just find them". So back we go. (1 year old crying) All the way back through the WHOLE grocery section, weaving in/out of crazy people, searching for wraps or an employee!!! I get all the way back to the deli (where I started) and I see 3 employees leaning on a meat rack chatting away. So I ask. They swear what I'm looking for is back by the bread and proceed to give me an exact location.  So here we go. 2 carts, 2 adults, 2 kids, back through the whole store again as I'm yelling to my husband behind me "I swear I looked there, I didn't see them! Did you?" No answer.....I turn around, he's lost in the sea of people :(

We get back to the bread, (1 year old still crying) I go to the EXACT location..............NOTHING. There is nothing of the sort. I give him "THE LOOK" and we head towards checkout.  Now this part is just so ridiculous I am not even going to get into it. (let's just say that 3 checkouts later, we FINALLY got our items scanned, checked out, bagged and left.)

On our way home I've established a tension headache, a twitch and complete exhaustion. My husband is chatting me up and I am doing my best not to scream that I just need 5 f'n minutes of DEAD SILENCE ......The 1 year old is still fussing b/c it's beyond nap time and he's hungry.

We're home, the boys are outside with Daddy after we've carried the bags in and I'm unloading the groceries and putting them away.  I open a bag and there they are. The sandwich wraps. The exact ones I was picturing in my head. Only 90 calories! Whole Grain! I seriously have no idea what the HELL happened.

My husband says I've finally lost it. I think his exact words were "She gone psycho folks".  So that's going to be the end of my blog today. There really isn't much else I can say besides................."THESE ARE THE DAYS OF OUR LIVES" Slightly neurotic SAHM's!!!!!!!

Mother of THE FREAKING YEAR!!!

So I've been patting myself on the back at every chance for the recent accomplishments that have been made in my home....the potty training of my 2 year old, the walking of my 10 1/2 month old who is also bottle free, and most recently, a PACIFIER free 2 year old as of yesterday.....It's a lot that has been going on around here in the past 2 months I'd say, and some days I want to pull my hair out, some days I drink a whole bottle of wine before bed, some days I think WHY WHY WHY ME???? WHY DID I DO THIS? and then most days....I lean over and cover them up, caress their cheeks and marvel at what a miracle my body created (and I have the marks, lumps, bump, aches & pains to prove it)....

Now on any given day probably 20 things happen from sunup to sundown that are either ridiculous or funny.....mostly ridiculously funny but piss me off at the moment....I'm one of those people that DOES NOT, I repeat, DOES NOT like to make "trips"...I will literally pull a muscle, cut off all circulation in my fingers and arms to carry the groceries in the door and heave them up onto the counter in order to prevent multiple trips.....I have busted gallons of milk, I have broken jars of spaghetti sauce, I have dropped loaves of bread, ripped boxes of diapers, cases of pop have rolled down my driveway....yes, I know this is ridiculous....yet, every week I find myself trying to carry more and more.

On our way out today to visit Nana, and then later to see Daddy & Papa selling Xmas trees for the local Lion's Club.....I loaded up the diaper bag - drinks, snacks, toys, hats, gloves, books, along with the normal diapers/wipes, extra clothes, etc.....then put my purse over my shoulder along with it, carried my coat, both boys hooded sweatshirts & a winter coat (in case the temp dropped and my 2 year old wanted to stay with Daddy and sell trees)....AND then bent down to pick up my 11 month old.  Now picture this...diaper bag, purse, 4 coats, 11 month old and a 2 year old trying to make it out the front door.....because I'M NOT MAKING 2 TRIPS......I pushed the storm door open with my foot and said hurry go! Go! Go!.....as my 2 year old took his sweet ass time carefully stepping down I pushed the storm door open with my foot 2 more times and then forgot.................YES I FORGOT.......and it slammed shut right on my 11 month olds head as I stepped out the door......holy mother of God I felt horrible..... maybe next time I'll carry them out to the car first??

So that was probably event #15 out of #20 for the day.....however #20 is a real whopper of a Mother of the Year moment....  My son loves Shrek.  So when I saw Shrek the Halls was on Prime time last week, I recorded it.....then we watched it the other day...he was sooooo excited! I watched maybe the first 10 minutes.  It was cute, not too inappropriate. Especially b/c he's 2 and doesn't understand most of it.  So tonight to help him wind down while I cleaned the kitchen I turned it on and went to work......a little while later he comes out to me and is holding his stomach and shaking his head NO at me and saying "Santa" "Santa" "Santa" all the while looking like he's going to jump out of his own skin.....so I came out and he said "again" which in 2 year old language means "rewind"....so I rewound it about 60 seconds..............AND THERE WAS SANTA....EATING THE GINGERBREAD COOKIE CHARACTERS WITH A HUGE SCARY MOUTH AND BIG TEETH.....for the love of God. He was scared of "Santa" whom I've been talking up for days and days and using the damn elf and meanwhile I've been playing "Scary bad Santa eats fun little people" for him when I'm busy.......................Yup...Mother of the freaking year right here!!!

When you're sliding into 1st and you feel a sudden burst......

Yup, Diarrhea ...courtesy of the stomach bug and/or the bad chicken I ate...Not sure which, but it doesn't really matter....I woke up Monday early morning and found myself doubled over in the bathroom sweating, and instantly full of anxiety (and NOT because everything causes anxiety for me)....But because all I could think was "oh no, this is not happening now, on a Monday, when I will have no one to help me if I am in fact sick (because let's face it, if you've had the stomach flu, food poisoning or alcohol poisoning ---- you know when it's normal poo or something is wrong with me poo)!

So by 7am, I was on my 5th trip to the porcelain God and was wracked with cramping that was ridiculous.....meanwhile my 2 year old and 11 month old were demanding breakfast, a diaper, a potty break.............so this is how the next approximate 48 hrs went.....


trip over baby gate to get there "in time"
bathroom - while in pain, tears, sweating, yelling to the kids on the main floor, that I was almost done, please don't hurt each other, be nice, stop yelling for me I'll be right there.....
trip over the baby gate coming back down....sit on couch
then telling kids, please don't bump mommy, please stop climbing on mommy, mommy needs to sit still, no mommy cannot get up right now, no wait, I will get you a snack in a bit
trip over baby gate to get there "in time"
rinse....repeat.....

Day 2: both boys woke up sick and crying....snotty nose, tired, crabby - so now they have bibs on to catch the drool, snot, tears & Mommy needs a diaper in order to function unless I could possibly spend the entire day in the bathroom? I ate Oyster Crackers and drank warm liquid jello (an old Mom recipe) and was in bed by 7:55pm.

Day 3: Feeling MUCH better, glad it's over, glad time does really fly by when you look back at it.....but seriously Mom's SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED TO BE SICK...EVER. PERIOD.

***until their children are old enough to take care of them!

So in my description of my blog, I said sometimes beautiful, sometimes gross....this is the gross one ;)

Happy Hump Day!

3 peas in a pod, The 3 Muskateers, Larry, Moe & Curly, 3 Billy Goats Gruff, 3 Blind Mice?!, 3 men & a ....remote?, The 3 little Pigs!, The 3 Ninja's........................My 3 MEN :) Happy Thanksgiving to MY family today! I love each one of them differently & yet the same!