A Ticking Time Bomb....

Today is a bad day. It's one of those days where I woke up and after 5 minutes of "life" wanted to lock myself into 12+ hours of silence somewhere. It builds and builds... somewhere hidden inside and then WHAM it just bursts out one day when I'm not expecting it. All of a sudden I've gone from happy, bouncy, fun and positive Mommy/Wife to miserable, crabby, mean & teary Mommy/Wife.

I have always had ups & downs....it's in my family. There are diagnostic terms, slang words, guesses, assumptions and truths to what I experience. I used to be 95% happy/bouncy/hyper and 5% sad/mopey. Then it changed and went to a constant rotation of happy, mopey, anxious. Now after I've had kids, I find myself real confused. It's a very wide range of all of them. Lately, however I'm overwhelmed and miserable way more than I used to be. I attempt to start every day with a positive attitude and most of the time it works wonderfully. We might have some ups and downs throughout the day (but let's face it, I have 2 toddlers).

But then a day like today happens. I'm left thinking to myself. What is going wrong? Why do I feel like this? Is it normal? Am I much more "depressed/anxiety ridden" than I think? My son tapping a measuring cup on his tray is enough to send me over the edge today.....when I'm the one who gave it to him last night and showed him how to make "music" with it. Days like today I feel like a failure. How can 2 boys love their Mommy when she is mean and yelling at them for things they don't understand? How can a husband envision his future with a wife who is constantly up and down? It seems like it would be easy enough to remedy right? Just tell yourself to be nice, to cheer up? Stop overreacting, just "relax" as my husband likes to say. (which is enough to put me to tears every time b/c let's face it....if I could...I WOULD!)

I was raised in a way that "what others think and see of me is important". I got over that issue and some others with the help of some therapy a few years ago.  I learned that the only person that I need to worry about is ME.  But that left me open to HUGE judgements from others, possibly more than if I still worried nonstop about what everyone else might think. Now I share my life via social media. I don't care if others want to read about my day anymore, or want to see my pictures, or if anyone cares what I made for dinner......I'm going to post it and if people don't like it they don't have to read it.  Over the past few years I've encountered numerous comments about my daily updates. Very few are actually positive. Most of them are little "digs" or vaugue ways of saying they're annoying. It irritates me, but not enought that I feel like those peoples inputs are SO important that I should stop. It's my way of remaining "out there, socializing" I think.

Since I became a stay at home mom I've changed so much. I'm such a social person that I'd talk to the mailbox if I thought it was listening. Going from working full time my whole adulthood to staying home with 1 infant and then 2 of them shortly after (neither of which are obviously able to hold conversations) I can see myself being clingy, seeking attention and being just plain overwhelming to people when I'm around them.

It's not like I am unaware of who I am, what I'm experiencing or even how annoying this is to the very small number of friends I have and my family in general.  I've never been embarrassed to admit that I struggle with anxiety, depression, and food (lol). I'll talk about those issues to anyone, if I can help out anyone experiencing those things I will. There are days that I wish I could speak publically about the range of emotions I experience. Because there has to be others feeling the SAME EXACT WAY......right?

So that brings me to today. A bad day. An overwhelming, raining, windy, cooped up with 2 whiny kids...day.  A day that I broke down on the phone to my husband at lunch telling him that I just can't do this, it's too much and I feel like I just want to sleep or go away.  ----As always, he is supportive, reassuring and loving. Reminding me that it'll get better and he loves me.... So after my pity party was over, I got myself together, grabbed this computer and started typing. I think that there may only be like 3 people in the world who actually understand me. My grandma, my father & my husband (although he probably struggles, lol).

Today is over 1/2 over, tomorrow will be better and since I started this blog I already can feel some of the weight lifting. I'd like to thank my friend Kristy who started her journey into blogging for re-inspiring me to share my thoughts. Because after reading her wonderful blog....I realized that every mom is experiencing something today.

xxxooo
Slightly (more than normal today) neurotic SAHM.

and p.s......I know these boys are a blessing from GOD, I know other mothers would give anyting to stay home, I know single women would love a husband who is supportive, etc, etc, etc.....this post isn't about being ungrateful.......it's about being an honest woman who is sometimes overwhelmed!